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Archives for December 2019

Living Without “I”

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Stop saying ‘I’ so much.

Several nights ago, I drove one of my best friends and her partner to the airport.  On the way there, we had a conversation about how I was doing and where I was in my life personally, romantically, and financially.  I love these kinds of conversations, because they always shed light on something that at least one of us needs to work on.  I was telling them that I had been feeling really depressed and confused. I was having a hard time just being here in this life.  I didn’t know where I was headed or how I wanted to contribute to the world.  I felt lost.  My friend turned to her partner, who was sitting in the back seat, to ask him what he thought about my situation.  I know him to be a stunningly aware and wise human being, so I wasn’t surprised that he did, indeed, have something to say. 

He asked, “Can I give you a small piece of advice?” 

“Please”, I replied.  

He came back with, “Stop saying ‘I’ so much”. 

His words hit me like a ton of bricks, and I wanted to cry in that moment.  I’ve always thought of myself as a fellow truth-seeker and have been known to be “wise” in my own right, so it was incredibly embarrassing to think that I had not come to this simple realization myself.   

Refraining from using “I”, or “me”, or “my” in speech was something I had begun practicing during my yoga training in 2016.  Yoga teaches us to detach from the ego and to understand and know our Oneness with all of Creation.  Refraining from using this kind of language is one method that can facilitate this realization.  However, I discontinued this when I returned home out of fear that I wouldn’t be able to connect with or relate to those who didn’t know this practice outside of the ashram. Plus, I didn’t want to be looked at like a looney bird when I told everyone that, “This body is 27 years old” rather than, “I am 27 years old”, or that “There is anger” as opposed to “I am angry”.  So, as things go, I fell out of alignment with this practice of detachment. My friend quickly highlighted this fact by saying that I was identifying too strongly with the ego, which was absolutely true, and that if I was not able to rephrase a statement without using the word ‘I’ then there is no need to say it at all.  

The ‘I’, or ego, is not who we are but rather a construct of the mind built to protect us and ensure our survival.  It’s a very useful tool when we are running from danger or when we find ourselves in a physical altercation of some sort.  It is not helpful, however, when it sounds the alarm when we experience intense emotions, fear judgment, receive criticism, or have to spend the week with family members with whom we don’t exactly see eye-to-eye.  The point here is that when we constantly identify with ‘I’, we are identifying with the egoistic, earth-bound version of us and disconnecting from our Oneness with the Divine.  We are, instead, confining ourselves to the labels we have given this bodily form. The ‘I am this’ and ‘I am that’. There is no room for expansion, creativity, or curiosity.  We either remain complacent, or continuously move in circles, revisiting the same old thoughts, patterns, and behaviors; and we never really move toward where we want to be.  

…when we contradict the infinite wisdom of the Soul with the limited perception of the mind, we remain in a limited reality.

My friend then said to me, “You’re at the stage of awareness or consciousness where you want more out of life.  You want to give more and experience more of the Divine, but you’re too set on trying to understand everything before you make a move, which isn’t possible.  You’re not meant to understand first.  The understanding comes after you start making moves. The small voice in your head is always telling you which way to go, but you insist on arguing with it.”  He was right.  I knew he was.  My higher Self had been trying to guide me for ages, but I chose to argue with it and turn against it.  The way I see things is that the “small voice in your head”, the one that speaks in soft whispers, is actually the intuition.  It’s the voice of the Soul channeled through the heart and is the first one to speak.  The second voice to speak (or shout, in many cases) is the analytical voice of the mind, the voice of reason and contradiction. It aims to understand things whereas the voice of the Soul knows things.  

The problem with reason is that it can only take us so far.  There is a limit to it.  Reason is related to the ego and is bound by our limited perception of life, and so when we contradict the infinite wisdom of the Soul with the limited perception of the mind, we remain in a limited reality.  Now, I’m not saying the rational mind should never have a say in things. As mentioned earlier, it’s incredibly helpful when we are in real danger.  It’s also very useful when helping us navigate mundane tasks like getting onto the bus, ordering a cup of tea, and articulating our thoughts during a conversation.  But when it comes to knowing who we are and how we fit into the grand scheme of things, it often hinders our progression.   The voice of the Soul, on the other hand, is the source of all creativity, exploration, and expansion. Where the rational mind requires analysis and reasoning, the intuitive Soul requires trust and surrender.  And this, unfortunately, is where most of us fall short.  Society neither teaches nor encourages us to trust our intuition.  We pride ourselves on our big-brain intelligence, which is wonderful and necessary for our evolution but is destined to bring us into a downward spiral if we do not embrace intuition along with it.  

We have to know something before we can understand it.

Intuition creates the space for us to step into something new and unknown, something with which the ego and intellect are very uncomfortable.  They rebel against it at all costs.  The Soul says, “Go here”, and the intellect responds with, “Why the hell would I do that?! It makes no sense!  There’s no proof that going there will ever work for me. It’s never been explored before, and probably for good reason!  It’s dangerous.  It’s unknown! If I go there, I could fall into a deep, dark hole, and I don’t know that I could pull myself out!”  The rational mind comes up with so many excuses. It can’t understand the reasoning of the Soul, because there is no reasoning.  The Soul is one with Life, and there is no reason to Life other than to be.  And so, since the rational mind and ego cannot understand the Soul’s words, they argue against them.  

This is why listening to the Soul requires trust and surrender.  We have to trust that it is wiser than the ego could ever be and surrender our mind’s need to understand something it cannot yet grasp.  Allowing ourselves to step into the unknown gives us the opportunity to explore new territory, which the mind can gradually explore and with which it can become familiar.  This seems to be the essence behind what my friend said about how understanding comes after we begin to make moves.  We have to know something before we can understand it.  We have to know our Oneness before we can explore it.

There’s been a much greater awareness of language around and the identification with my old, worn-out, I’m-so-lost-and-depressed story since the conversation that night.  â€œI” statements are now rearranged or reworded to form more objective statements, which allows for the removal of one’s self (ego) from situations where it would have otherwise manipulated the outcomes.  There are much fewer overwhelming emotions of sadness and despair.  Old patterns are revisited less and less often. Decisions are not so difficult to make anymore, and, this time around, others’ opinions are of less importance.  But mostly, there is space—space to feel, to witness, to surrender, and to create.

My hope is not that you simply take my word for all of this but that my friend’s words of wisdom have shed some light on what is possible if we just give ourselves the chance to change the language of our experience in this lifetime.  My hope is that you try this new way of relating for yourself.  Step into that which your Soul knows, but which does not always make sense to the rational mind, so you might come to understand your place within it. Allow yourself to quiet the “I”, the part of you that is afraid of what is unknown, and trust enough to sit with the non-sensical, unsettling mystery of being.

Body: Post Break-Up

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Like many people, I feel insecure about various parts of my body. I’m in my mid-twenties, I work full-time in a public affairs role, and I live in a major city – all of which contribute to self-scrutiny. During my last romantic relationship, I spent a lot of time and energy in showering, exfoliating, shaving and deep-conditioning my hair, and had a four-step, twice-a-day skin care regimen I didn’t dare skip. I was taking care of my body, as it felt necessary. I spent two to three evenings a week in a Pilates mat class or running on an elliptical machine at my neighborhood gym. I practiced yoga at least once a week.

I thought a lot about what I could do about the parts of myself I felt self-conscious about, like my hormonal acne and the cellulite on my thighs. I was constantly researching new potential “solutions” to these “problems”. I thought that if I could fix these things, if I could stay in good shape, I would continue to be attractive to my partner.

Said partner ended our relationship, and the factors listed above were not among the reasons why. All the same, I have a vivid, visceral memory of the week following the break-up, during which I sat on the floor of my bathroom, crying, thinking of all of the time I had spent debating between purchasing the expensive hair mask sitting on my shower rack, thinking that he would appreciate the scent of my hair more after use.

In the depths of my sadness, I remembered to go to the gym, through the motions on my routines, and spend time and money on personal care. I continued to feel less than confident about my body, because despite all of the above, I’d lost what I had cared about. At a low point, I had the irrational thought that my body had somehow betrayed me. Why wasn’t this formulaic devotion to body care good enough to remain attractive to my former partner?

But as the months went on, and I continued to hit my mat for yoga and Pilates classes, I realized that I was starting to care less about how I looked, and more about how I felt. I felt less insecure, and more grateful for the ability to move and be active. I started to care less about what other people see, and more about what I see and more importantly, how I feel.

Through exercise, meditation and careful thought, I’m addressing my insecurities, but for myself. With a lot of self-searching, I’ve found that it’s more important for me to feel at home in my body than it is to make it agreeable to someone else.

Man running at the track
Man running at the track

The Business of Yoga Part 2: Embracing Authenticity

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When you teach anything, whether it be aerobics or physics, you possess the library of information that will be shared with your students.  It is data you have earned, as an instructor, that’s been passed on from your own teachers, and taught your way.  In your voice.  You physically, mentally, and emotionally, need to be there for your students, even if you’re filming your class for those at home. 

In fact, New York City yoga teacher and influencer Elena Brower (@elenabrower) remarks often in her posts how hesitant she was as she wondered how yoga would translate across a digital platform. Turns out she is increasingly grateful for the experience and how it deepened her teaching practice.  It allowed her to connect to her students in a whole new way, by staying grounded in her authenticity. 

We share what we do to and with the world.  Our accomplishments and expertise, our happy memories and our schedules.  Self-promotion, even in the spirit of celebration is paramount for anyone who has a social media account.  Otherwise, why have one, right?  Our lives are now so carefully curated we can feel more alone and isolated than ever.  So we must remember that we, and everyone else out there, is only going to show what makes them look the most together, happy, and dare I assume, authentic. In our waking life (away from the dream of alphanumeric realities) if we look inward instead of keeping up with the digital Joneses, we will cease to scrutinize our own lives and accomplishments.  Instead the practice is and always will be expressing gratitude for the here and now.  Someone inspirational said that gratitude turns everything you have into enough, and more.  Your presence, fully and completely, is enough.

We can agree that anything online is not necessarily indicative of real life, even though we may want to believe it is an extension of it.  But is a false light of life.  The word ‘media’ is even in the description of this world that lives in our phones.  Yet, some bright-eyed hopeful, post-millennial trendsetters definitely (probably) believe it is the gateway to creating their own brand, or ‘empire’ as it’s cheekily called.  When did followers equate to fans instead of people you just knew in life?  And what about these emperors made labels and advertisers begin to drool at the prospect of people advertising a way of life to sell stuff we don’t need in a society where hoarding is a disease? 

yoga instructor in a park

What do the people who want to influence really want?  To be at the top of their own pyramid in their chosen field.  And, if we’re being honest with ourselves, a part of us must listen, if only to ask why, and see our own shadows of success reflected in their contoured faces.  After all, most of them are the product of a technological boom that saw every toddler with a camera in their face before a book, or even another human being. 

But whether we use social media to promote ourselves as yoga educators, we must remember our motivation for becoming teachers in the first place.  We may receive ‘likes’ or increased attendance in our classes, or validation on our shared thought processes that contain the seedlings of other business ideas, (and the occasional discount on some cute but overpriced yoga pants) but there is one thing we are also striving for, that the shadow of the false yoga mogul’s dig out of us.  It is the desire that we must have in common with the truly joyful educators with a meaningful message, if we are committed to sharing a message that is meaningful to us: authenticity.  For in that word is the legitimacy so many crave, the proof that the path is a true one.

The idea is pretty ironic, though, considering social media, as I’ve said, is a digitally curated identity arranged, in Freudian terms, by your own ego.  We are taught every time the word ego is mentioned, that it is fear talking—the projection of the desired self-image onto anyone who clicks “follow” on any page you have.  In the ego’s ideal scenario, when we think we have transcended more earthly wants what we are really giving into is a codependency sparked by the joy of being led, of relinquishing responsibility for our own lives.  Next time you are shy about sharing your world and your thoughts, or your yoga/spiritual journey, or have been wasting the evening ‘investigating’ fellow instructors, consider it an interesting exercise in self-observation.  You can even explore online platforms to increase your chances of teaching remotely, or through videos.  You’ll learn YouTube, at the very least.   So it’s nice to have a plan to springboard off your friends and following while you experiment.

And just post it.  As you watch yourself grow, you’ll be able to see the teacher you are becoming, as well as the teacher you want to be. 

Being a yoga teacher can afford an individual a life slightly off the beaten path, no matter how corporate the environment they teach in is.  That is part of the joy of the profession–the connection, the sharing of accumulated knowledge, and the constantly percolating business savvy that lies in each of us.  Part of the reason many instructors get into teaching yoga is because there are so many opportunities to bounce around and teach a multitude of people all the cool and hopefully healing stuff we’ve learned in training. 

campfire in the dark

Exposure, in this case, becomes an ally to authenticity. And, no I do not mean taking scantily clad photos of yourself doing yoga in a bikini on a glamorous beach and hoping your high school crush sees it.  However, giving your students a way to connect with you and your lifestyle, if that indeed is something you want to share, is a way to share aspects of your authentic self, even the insecure bits, and create buzz about your teaching style.  This makes it easier for your students to see you as a human being, and that will, many times, bring them back to your class.  I’ve also found making announcements to remind them about your ideas and the various places and spaces you teach in to be incredibly important to connecting to the people you see every week.  Or once in a while. 

The practice of yoga attracts every walk of life for countless reasons.  With that comes all kinds of teachers, each with a singular flavor.  Some want to make yoga accessible to everyone and focus on the adaptability and recovery in poses and sequences, while others incorporate classical tradition into their practice with mantras, chanting, and meditation. There are the soothers and the sweaters, the kundalini warriors and kinesthetic yoga therapists.  Some have yearly retreats in Bali and others teach from a spare room in their own homes.  Some are former ballerinas.  Others are aspiring attorneys. All have a profound effect on the students that come into their space, with any luck, imparting new insight and awareness of the body and mind, and at the very least, sometimes, a pretty decent workout.  And it all begins with you, the teacher, and the energy you bring, on and off line, which can spread the authenticity movement across the globe, one yogi at a time.

Whether you are a new teacher or an experienced teacher, there is a likelihood that you will want to seek new teaching opportunities from time to time. Namafit is the perfect tool for finding teaching opportunities near you. You can learn more about what Namafit has to offer and how to get started here

4 Misconceptions About Meditation

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The other day I was asked to teach a 30min mindfulness session to a corporate company that promotes wellness. As usual in my session, I start with an introduction about what the session will be about, how long it will be and what I expect of people.

It strikes me every time how people react with surprise when I tell them how the session will take place. It seems that people have expectations of what meditation should be, and how it is actually practiced. The following four misconceptions are the ones generally met with surprise:

1) You cannot move during mediation.
Yes you can, if you feel discomfort or tension, please do move! Meditation is not here to punish you. You are a living, breathing human being. Your heart beats, your blood pumps, you are not stone. You can move.

2) You have to sit – cross-legged and upright.
No, not at all. People tend to react with great astonishment when I say that during mediation, you can even lie down. Just make sure your upper body is aligned as it helps with the breathing. An aligned body means an aligned breath. Other than that, be as comfortable as you like. Some people find cross-legged comfortable and others don’t. How can you focus on breathing if you are in pain? Sit however is comfortable for you. Heck, I sometimes even walk when meditating. You do you.

3) You have to have your eyes closed.
Sometimes I mediate with my eyes open. I like to just gaze down and focus on a point in front of me. At times I just don’t feel like it, and I don’t know why. Perhaps I am not in the right mindset or don’t feel comfortable enough in my surroundings. But the point is that you just don’t get distracted. You can gaze where you want as you want as long as you have a soft focus and don’t wonder around with your eyes to get distracted.

4) You have to fully emerged in the meditation.
People tend to look at me with utter surprise when I tell then they can drink during meditation. It’s best to have a cup of tea with you or a water. Sometimes we sit there and notice: Damn, I am perished or hungry. These are just your bodily needs and that is fine. You can drink anytime, you can pop out of the meditation and join back in – it should be to your comfort at your time and your pace.

Mediation is your time for you. Do it so it feels like its benefiting you and do it with no judgement. Its about accepting whatever comes up in that moment and not about punishment or perfection.

man and woman meditating on yoga mats in studio

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